Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Government to Bail Out Patriots and NFC North

In a brief press conference today, President-elect Barack Obama announced the latest piece of the government's bailout plan, following discussions yesterday with President George Bush. The plan calls for the federal government to step in with immediate measures to make not only the New England Patriots, but the entire NFC North Division, more competitive.

"I'm proud to announce these latest aspects of the bailout," said Obama. "We have clearly set the precedent that the government must step in when a crisis takes place, and I know of no more dire crisis than the Patriots having lost three games already this year."

Citing the fact that New England, and in fact the entire NFC North, must not be allowed to crumble, Obama thanked Nancy Pelosi for her efforts in bringing the House together to support this precedent-setting, uh, precedent.

"These icons of the sports world...from the lowly Detroit Lions to the Princes of the NFL in Boston...must not be allowed to squander their resources. We must save them, just as we should any business that isn't capable of making a profit."

The first step of the bailout calls for all of New England's remaining games to be forfeited in favor of the Patriots--that way their players can all rest up while they automatically win their division. "We want to see how this will affect them first," noted Obama, "but I would add that I think we're prepared to have the entire season called off and just present them with the Lombardi trophy if that's what it will take."

In the case of the NFC North, all four teams have been declared winners of an NFC division. "That was a little tougher," said Obama, "because clearly, at least three of them will lose in the playoffs. And of course, that lone winner would then potentially have to forfeit to New England. But you take the gains where you can get them in these kinds of circumstances."

Officials who were cited off the record said that the move gained support once everyone realized that while the government was supporting non-profitable businesses or bad business models, there clearly had to be something done about non-competitive teams.

When Obama was asked if the Patriots three losses really represented a non-competitive entity, he responded, "Look, you have to nip these things in the bud or you get a real crisis. Just like Bank of America didn't want government funding, how can the Patriots really know what's in their best interest? Tom Brady is hurt for God's sake! Do you really expect them to be thinking clearly?"

Asked if this was the extent of the government's intervention into sports, Obama demurred but left the door open. "You take these things one step at a time. I think the Tampa Devil Rays would clearly have been a candidate this year but they solved their own problem. That said, what about the Red Sox? After literally decades of losing, those fans suddenly expect a World Series win every year or so...who are we as a government to let those people suffer?"

The Patriots, while grateful, questioned the timing of the move. "Sure, it's great," said Head Coach Bill Belichick. "But you have to wonder, what's changed since we lost to the Colts nine days ago? I mean, it sure would have been nice to have had this happen prior to losing our third game..."

(This blog and the content herein is strictly fictional in nature, and is not intended to be a true and accurate representations of the facts. This blog was written by Greg Hoover, and he approves this message.)

Monday, November 10, 2008

No Insurance? No Problem.

Here’s the problem with what I consider a leftward drift in our country: it does away with boundaries. And clearly, life needs boundaries. Without boundaries, there can be no definition. And without definition, well, then what?

You see, somewhere along the way, there have to be requirements. There has to be discipline, and things that must be done, and rules, and winners and losers. Otherwise, there is nothingness.

Part of the problem I have with the whole illegal alien thing is about boundaries and discipline. Look I want everyone in the world who admires freedom and the right to succeed to be able to come here and live the American Dream. I just think they should have the same responsibilities and requirements for that dream that I had to pay: taxes and citizenship.

But we as a society seem to keep slipping closer and closer to this amorphous world of “don’t worry be happy”...take what you want. No charge. No problem.

Didn’t get your homework done? No problem, there are no grades, just stars for various levels of effort. We wouldn’t want anyone to be left out or feel bad because they didn’t achieve at the level of their neighbor.

Don’t want to practice hard to be a champion? No sweat—literally. Everyone gets a trophy for coming out. Heck, we don’t even keep score~!

Don't want to save up money for a down payment on a home or car? Want to drive that car without insurance or financial responsibility for the damage you cause? No problem Bud...land of the free...especially when it comes to insurance.

Two weeks ago my daughter was involved in a collision while driving to class at Indiana University. The other driver—in addition to making an illegal left turn into traffic—was uninsured. $9000 worth of damage to Alex’s car later…we are left to deal with the loss of a car for three weeks, the hassles of getting it fixed, and oh yeah—our insurance rates going up.

Did I mention that this is the fourth uninsured accident to come upon my family in the past three years? None of them our fault. None of the other motorists insured. State Farm even CANCELLED us after the third of these occurred with my wife.

“But sir, none of them were her fault…”

“Yes, but they were all uninsured motorists, so they went against your claim record…sorry. You have 30 days to find new insurance.”

To date, uninsured motorists have inflicted over $30,000 worth of damage to Hoover family cars.

Which begs the question: why should you have to produce proof of insurance when you plate a car or get your license, if it doesn’t matter at the time of your accident?

The very first one of these that happened to my wife was laughable: a woman with a suspended personal license, driving an old Ford pickup which was not registered, did not have side mirrors, and had a piece of plywood where the back window was supposed to be...suddenly throws the truck into reverse and starts backing up. I’d say she did this without looking, but given that she had no mirrors and a piece of wood where the back window was supposed to be—that would be somewhat redundant, wouldn’t it? So she slams into my wife. The police show up, issue citations to the woman, and then, listen carefully here…LET THE WOMAN DRIVE OFF IN THIS TRUCK. NO LICENSE…NO INSURANCE…NON-REGISTERED VEHICLE…WITH NO MIRRORS AND NO WAY OF LOOKING BACKWARDS OUT OF THE VEHICLE.

Good God…

So, when these times come along and I feel grumpy and cranky and whine about us having no discipline as a society anymore, I just wanted you to know where I was coming from.

Operating a car is not an inalienable right. And neither is you costing me more money because you don’t want to fulfill your obligation and responsibility when it comes to operating a motor vehicle.

I miss discipline. And the trappings of a society that held us accountable when we got outside the boundaries. And you know, I really miss the boundaries too.